Monday, May 21, 2012
Hunting your man (how to bring out the best)
For a man and a woman to stay in a powerful connection over time, it is required that the female constantly be “hunting” for the man that she was attracted to in the beginning.
Familiarity and its sidekick, contempt, can barge in on any long term relationship, whether professional or familial. Here’s an illustration of how to keep it at bay, while enhancing the qualities that you most admire in your man.
Sunday morning, an early email announced: the father of my husband’s mentor had died. His burial was happening that afternoon, a few miles from where my husband Fred would be working. I felt intuitively that we would be there for Donny, to support him and show our love. But when I mentioned it to Fred, he felt he would be too busy at work to get away.
Hours passed. The time for the cemetery visit arrived. I drove myself to the cemetery, where I saw friends and colleagues, assembling on the lawn before the interment. One colleague of my husband’s, a strong, sincere man, asked after Fred. In response to my answer, he said, “Get him here. It would really touch Donny.”
I called Fred on his cell phone. No answer. I called his assistant and she put me through immediately. Although he was working, he felt urgency in my voice when I asked him to drop what he was doing and come to the cemetery. As we stood graveside 10 minutes later, Fred joined us. Embracing his teacher and friend Donny, compassion and emotion flowed over his face.
Later, Fred said to me, “Thank you for standing for me to be the person who would be here for my friend.”
With my “11th hour” call summoning Fred to the graveside, I summoned also the man I know he is: a man who shows up, with strength and compassion, for a dear friend. I made a stand for the man I want him to be, with qualities I was attracted to 13 years ago: a leader of people, a wise and sensitive person who considers his action and chooses to take care of his people. This is the man I continue to “hunt”, to cultivate and to celebrate.
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
When Men & Women Talk: Finding Common Ground
What interests you about communication between men and women? This subject has held my fascination for almost 20 years. I can honestly say, I am more curious today about the male/female dynamics than I was when I began my unwitting exploration.
You see, I took a seminar about Entrepreneurship. It turned out to be about so much more, including ways men and women prevent each other from succeeding, financially and professionally (and how to stop these damaging behaviors in favor of creating powerful, life-changing partnerships). What I learned about healing deep unconscious grudges in that seminar has guided my life and my work. So every day, while gathering more on-the-job lessons (I’m married with an 8-year old son), I have grown to appreciate and honor both masculine gifts and those of my female gender.
What’s really important when you are building a team in business is to recognize that each person has his/her strengths and weaknesses. The quality called “drive” is a masculine quality, yet many females possess it. Similarly, the quality known as “listening” is a feminine quality, which many men have innately and have developed in themselves, recognizing its usefulness in fostering good relationships.
When we talk about team, we are talking about three things:
• the players themselves as individuals
• the ways the players relate with one another (the quality of the relationships they build)
• the functioning of your team as a whole.
I find that looking at the individuals doesn’t give quality data. Often it leads to judgments about right and wrong…not productive. So let’s skip a level up, to the ways the players relate with one another. That is where the masculine/feminine differences can make or break the quality of the relationships the team builds and their overall synergy.
Imagine a male sales manager who is focused on the bottom line (Picture Dragnet’s Sgt. Joe Friday: “Just the facts, ma’am.”) and his saleswoman in the field who embellishes her verbal reports with details about what her prospect has hanging on his office walls. What do you suppose will happen? Likely an impatience or irritation will develop. Similarly, a wife at day’s end wants to “ talk about her day”, while hubby immediately synthesizes her storytelling into a problem that has to be solved, and gets to work doing just that--much to the irritation and frustration of his wife.
This is not to say that men and women cannot get along, and splendidly. We each must be intent on understanding and respecting one another’s reasons for, and methods of, communicating.
Men communicate to solve a problem, to assess status, to move the action forward and to get data that will move the action forward...in other words, men communicate to get results. Masculine communication is goal-oriented and expects an outcome.
Women, to contrast, engage in communication in order to nurture and be nurtured, to bond with others, to get attention and to decompress. Feminine communication is process-oriented, communication for its own sake. Communicating IS the outcome!
How can we use this simple understanding of masculine and feminine natures to improve our quality of life at work and peace of mind at home?
Ladies, understand that you must get to the point with men. Keep the girlfriend conversation for your girlfriends. Find ways to bond that you both enjoy: activities, shared interests or professional matters. Tell brief (I mean 2 or 3 sentences) stories that have a point. For example, “…and then my daughter scored the winning goal that took the team to the championship!” Get to the point and show them the result. They will appreciate it!
Men, understand that bonding is important to women. If you don’t ask about her children, she may perceive you as cold or uncaring. Make an effort to ask appropriately personal questions that show her you are interested in her as a person, not only a means of production. Remember, women appreciate the communication process itself!
We find that when men and women do communicate in a way that satisfies the feminine requirements for bonding, the tone of cooperation in the organization is raised. Then results can go through the roof.
This is simple, but not easy. After all, most of us are most comfortable doing things the way WE do them most naturally. But keep this in mind, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting. So I challenge you: Use these simple methods of relating to one another, applying awareness of gender differences to your communications. Try it for a week.
Results may be subtle and probably will be. After all, the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby wins by only a “nose” (even if a horse’s nose is long, that’s still a small measurement for a BIG difference in prize money). Let me know how the quality of your relationships improves in the workplace and at home. Over time you may see they foster a professional synergy in which results happen effortlessly. That’s high performance teamwork!
Karen Baker Blum trains and speaks in the corporate world and in private seminars. Her focus is developing women leaders for the home front and the global stage. As she travels and teaches, sowing seeds of harmony and prosperity between men and women, she gathers many allies along her way. Her signature seminar is “How to Talk to Men: A New Paradigm for Relating with Humor and Light-Heartedness.” For a media kit, contact: aMuse@BusinessAsPleasure.com or 516.209.7827.
You see, I took a seminar about Entrepreneurship. It turned out to be about so much more, including ways men and women prevent each other from succeeding, financially and professionally (and how to stop these damaging behaviors in favor of creating powerful, life-changing partnerships). What I learned about healing deep unconscious grudges in that seminar has guided my life and my work. So every day, while gathering more on-the-job lessons (I’m married with an 8-year old son), I have grown to appreciate and honor both masculine gifts and those of my female gender.
What’s really important when you are building a team in business is to recognize that each person has his/her strengths and weaknesses. The quality called “drive” is a masculine quality, yet many females possess it. Similarly, the quality known as “listening” is a feminine quality, which many men have innately and have developed in themselves, recognizing its usefulness in fostering good relationships.
When we talk about team, we are talking about three things:
• the players themselves as individuals
• the ways the players relate with one another (the quality of the relationships they build)
• the functioning of your team as a whole.
I find that looking at the individuals doesn’t give quality data. Often it leads to judgments about right and wrong…not productive. So let’s skip a level up, to the ways the players relate with one another. That is where the masculine/feminine differences can make or break the quality of the relationships the team builds and their overall synergy.
Imagine a male sales manager who is focused on the bottom line (Picture Dragnet’s Sgt. Joe Friday: “Just the facts, ma’am.”) and his saleswoman in the field who embellishes her verbal reports with details about what her prospect has hanging on his office walls. What do you suppose will happen? Likely an impatience or irritation will develop. Similarly, a wife at day’s end wants to “ talk about her day”, while hubby immediately synthesizes her storytelling into a problem that has to be solved, and gets to work doing just that--much to the irritation and frustration of his wife.
This is not to say that men and women cannot get along, and splendidly. We each must be intent on understanding and respecting one another’s reasons for, and methods of, communicating.
Men communicate to solve a problem, to assess status, to move the action forward and to get data that will move the action forward...in other words, men communicate to get results. Masculine communication is goal-oriented and expects an outcome.
Women, to contrast, engage in communication in order to nurture and be nurtured, to bond with others, to get attention and to decompress. Feminine communication is process-oriented, communication for its own sake. Communicating IS the outcome!
How can we use this simple understanding of masculine and feminine natures to improve our quality of life at work and peace of mind at home?
Ladies, understand that you must get to the point with men. Keep the girlfriend conversation for your girlfriends. Find ways to bond that you both enjoy: activities, shared interests or professional matters. Tell brief (I mean 2 or 3 sentences) stories that have a point. For example, “…and then my daughter scored the winning goal that took the team to the championship!” Get to the point and show them the result. They will appreciate it!
Men, understand that bonding is important to women. If you don’t ask about her children, she may perceive you as cold or uncaring. Make an effort to ask appropriately personal questions that show her you are interested in her as a person, not only a means of production. Remember, women appreciate the communication process itself!
We find that when men and women do communicate in a way that satisfies the feminine requirements for bonding, the tone of cooperation in the organization is raised. Then results can go through the roof.
This is simple, but not easy. After all, most of us are most comfortable doing things the way WE do them most naturally. But keep this in mind, if you keep doing what you’ve been doing, you’ll keep getting what you’ve been getting. So I challenge you: Use these simple methods of relating to one another, applying awareness of gender differences to your communications. Try it for a week.
Results may be subtle and probably will be. After all, the winning horse in the Kentucky Derby wins by only a “nose” (even if a horse’s nose is long, that’s still a small measurement for a BIG difference in prize money). Let me know how the quality of your relationships improves in the workplace and at home. Over time you may see they foster a professional synergy in which results happen effortlessly. That’s high performance teamwork!
Karen Baker Blum trains and speaks in the corporate world and in private seminars. Her focus is developing women leaders for the home front and the global stage. As she travels and teaches, sowing seeds of harmony and prosperity between men and women, she gathers many allies along her way. Her signature seminar is “How to Talk to Men: A New Paradigm for Relating with Humor and Light-Heartedness.” For a media kit, contact: aMuse@BusinessAsPleasure.com or 516.209.7827.
Sunday, October 16, 2011
Without the enemy: the enemy within
Did you ever get close to your enemy? Feel his warmth coming from his body? Feeling the same skin, flesh and blood that you live in, on him?
Would you let yourself experience this same human structure you inhabit, which he is carrying around, as you carry yours?
No. Because if you did allow yourself to breathe in his living odor, to sit beside him until your breaths entrain, until your hearts beat as one, as lovers’ hearts do; then you would must drop your external wars, your eternal warfare with the other.
Then you would have no provocation to leave your home, your fields; no one goading you to rid the land of the enemy, no incitement to extinguish his flame of life which seeks oxygen as does your flame. Then no extortion would come: to fight, to kill, to plunder or rob.
Then would you be free to tend to your pleasure; your geraniums, your writing or your goats.
Then when a demon appears to you, it can be recognized as yourself, as a fragment of you not yet sat with, listened to, sniffed, nuzzled and finally, befriended.
Do not seek outside for your enemy. He is in you, waiting to be met, breathed, and embraced.
Would you let yourself experience this same human structure you inhabit, which he is carrying around, as you carry yours?
No. Because if you did allow yourself to breathe in his living odor, to sit beside him until your breaths entrain, until your hearts beat as one, as lovers’ hearts do; then you would must drop your external wars, your eternal warfare with the other.
Then you would have no provocation to leave your home, your fields; no one goading you to rid the land of the enemy, no incitement to extinguish his flame of life which seeks oxygen as does your flame. Then no extortion would come: to fight, to kill, to plunder or rob.
Then would you be free to tend to your pleasure; your geraniums, your writing or your goats.
Then when a demon appears to you, it can be recognized as yourself, as a fragment of you not yet sat with, listened to, sniffed, nuzzled and finally, befriended.
Do not seek outside for your enemy. He is in you, waiting to be met, breathed, and embraced.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Life is the Mirror of You and it is a Gift
(I suggest reading aloud, alone or with a friend.)
If we are lucky; if we are intentional; if we are growing; if we are searching; if we are relentless; we may, in our lives be offered a gift. That gift will not necessarily be wrapped with shiny paper, ribbons and a big satin bow. That gift may look like anything but a gift. But indeed it is a gift. The gift I am talking about is the gift of self-reflection.
It may come in the form of a loved one who reacts to you, or who attacks you. It may come in the form of a friend who embraces you, or rejects you. The gift may arrive as a business deal that you close, or that you lose. It may come with the loss of a loved one that is close to you, or with the success of a stranger on American Idol. But if you are fortunate, or intentional; if you are relentlessly searching, and heaven-bent on growing, it will come to you. And this gift will be the realization that your response is all about you.
For the uninitiated, the prayerless, those victimized by life and those who are simply not ready, the gift will be offered. It has been offered to each of us a hundred times a day.
How is this possible? That we would be offered a gift but say “no”? This is part of the gift. A gift can be offered, but until I am ready to receive it, the gift will be sent back: no such number. Moved, left no forwarding address.
The beginnings of receiving are those moments where we notice: boy, I really got hooked there. Or, I wonder why that upset me so much? These are the beginnings of the gift that keeps on giving: the gift of noticing, of awareness. Of taking responsibility for our own experience of life and seeking to expand our ability to receive more and more, so that we can become more and more. Being responsible for more and more is the game. One cannot receive without being simultaneously able to hold more, and less.
The alternatives to receiving the gift? A blameless life full of blame for others. Judging others and remaining separate from them. Pitying yourself or others and becoming pitiful. Criticizing others and becoming unacceptable to yourself. Playing alone in the sandbox for fear of exposing your weakness to yourself.
Here we are, on our journey. If you find yourself in tears, in the flow, in the arms of another man, know that you have found yourself, with your million and one reactions, predictions, declarations and early dismissals. Know that these are not the gifts.
Your receiving of these happenings with your awareness is the gift. To be able to receive the ripple effects of every action and reaction is the gift and it is offered to you in every moment. This is a treasure. You are the mine.
Your journey will allow you to receive this and so many more blessings along the way. It happens for those persistent enough to look into the next dimension, where life is the mirror of you.
May you continue to expand your tenderness, your ability to feel, your asking for and receiving, and all the ins and outs of a life lived fully. This is my prayer for us all. Amen. Awomen. Aho.
If we are lucky; if we are intentional; if we are growing; if we are searching; if we are relentless; we may, in our lives be offered a gift. That gift will not necessarily be wrapped with shiny paper, ribbons and a big satin bow. That gift may look like anything but a gift. But indeed it is a gift. The gift I am talking about is the gift of self-reflection.
It may come in the form of a loved one who reacts to you, or who attacks you. It may come in the form of a friend who embraces you, or rejects you. The gift may arrive as a business deal that you close, or that you lose. It may come with the loss of a loved one that is close to you, or with the success of a stranger on American Idol. But if you are fortunate, or intentional; if you are relentlessly searching, and heaven-bent on growing, it will come to you. And this gift will be the realization that your response is all about you.
For the uninitiated, the prayerless, those victimized by life and those who are simply not ready, the gift will be offered. It has been offered to each of us a hundred times a day.
How is this possible? That we would be offered a gift but say “no”? This is part of the gift. A gift can be offered, but until I am ready to receive it, the gift will be sent back: no such number. Moved, left no forwarding address.
The beginnings of receiving are those moments where we notice: boy, I really got hooked there. Or, I wonder why that upset me so much? These are the beginnings of the gift that keeps on giving: the gift of noticing, of awareness. Of taking responsibility for our own experience of life and seeking to expand our ability to receive more and more, so that we can become more and more. Being responsible for more and more is the game. One cannot receive without being simultaneously able to hold more, and less.
The alternatives to receiving the gift? A blameless life full of blame for others. Judging others and remaining separate from them. Pitying yourself or others and becoming pitiful. Criticizing others and becoming unacceptable to yourself. Playing alone in the sandbox for fear of exposing your weakness to yourself.
Here we are, on our journey. If you find yourself in tears, in the flow, in the arms of another man, know that you have found yourself, with your million and one reactions, predictions, declarations and early dismissals. Know that these are not the gifts.
Your receiving of these happenings with your awareness is the gift. To be able to receive the ripple effects of every action and reaction is the gift and it is offered to you in every moment. This is a treasure. You are the mine.
Your journey will allow you to receive this and so many more blessings along the way. It happens for those persistent enough to look into the next dimension, where life is the mirror of you.
May you continue to expand your tenderness, your ability to feel, your asking for and receiving, and all the ins and outs of a life lived fully. This is my prayer for us all. Amen. Awomen. Aho.
Tuesday, November 2, 2010
Life is But A Dream
Our dear son has been in school now for a 2 months. I have taken this opportunity to amuse myself. What would you do if you could do anything you want, all day long? I am asking myself that question, then acting on it.
The list, it turns out, runs on. I read, I walk. I sit in a hot tub and loosen my muscles. I take yoga classes and loosen them somemore. I write a book. I muse on my one woman show. I talk with friends, clients, prospects, family. I took up therapy, and Latin dancing. I write meditations and share them with friends. I invite friends to grow with me. I practice conscious language. I partner with friends for fun and profit. i consider art lessons. I buy new music and lavish in it. I paint the walls of my apartment and get a friend to help me. She also shops for me at IKEA and I pay her back. I get bodywork. I get invitations. I invite others to go trick or treating and have playdates. I write sweet emails. I sing and buy my son a guitar. I don't get upset, much. I ask people to help me, and some do. I ask people for money, and some give it to me. I'm taking a seminar at Landmark Education and inviting friends to come learn about their programs. I am reading Leela Francis. I'm reclaiming my body with dance, yoga, network spinal analysis, walking, bellydancing, soaking, napping.
i receive invitations to Spa Party with my young and handsome dance instructors. I plan my birthday party, 2 months down the road. I admire the autumn leaves, still flaming on the trees and in piles curbside. I conjure my son a new bed. I organize winter clothes and closets. I plan for Thanksgiving. I tell the truth. I get my way. I tell those I love that I love them. I plan trips. I accept it all as wonderful.
The list, it turns out, runs on. I read, I walk. I sit in a hot tub and loosen my muscles. I take yoga classes and loosen them somemore. I write a book. I muse on my one woman show. I talk with friends, clients, prospects, family. I took up therapy, and Latin dancing. I write meditations and share them with friends. I invite friends to grow with me. I practice conscious language. I partner with friends for fun and profit. i consider art lessons. I buy new music and lavish in it. I paint the walls of my apartment and get a friend to help me. She also shops for me at IKEA and I pay her back. I get bodywork. I get invitations. I invite others to go trick or treating and have playdates. I write sweet emails. I sing and buy my son a guitar. I don't get upset, much. I ask people to help me, and some do. I ask people for money, and some give it to me. I'm taking a seminar at Landmark Education and inviting friends to come learn about their programs. I am reading Leela Francis. I'm reclaiming my body with dance, yoga, network spinal analysis, walking, bellydancing, soaking, napping.
i receive invitations to Spa Party with my young and handsome dance instructors. I plan my birthday party, 2 months down the road. I admire the autumn leaves, still flaming on the trees and in piles curbside. I conjure my son a new bed. I organize winter clothes and closets. I plan for Thanksgiving. I tell the truth. I get my way. I tell those I love that I love them. I plan trips. I accept it all as wonderful.
Monday, September 13, 2010
The week that was
My 7 year old son started school last week. I'm now in Parenting Graduate School!
THis week I have: started a new business venture, the website is SuccessSeminarsForWomen. Begun a 6 month program to write and publish a book. Attended session 1 of An invented Life, a seminar at Landmark Education. WRitten a radical meditation for my Circle sisters, #1 installment to my book. Had a creative conversation with my husband about moving forward as a family. Booked a babysitter to go out 2 nights in a row!
Yes, I am ready for my next, even as my son is ready for his. Life is a beautiful path, a joyous and energetic journey.
THis week I have: started a new business venture, the website is SuccessSeminarsForWomen. Begun a 6 month program to write and publish a book. Attended session 1 of An invented Life, a seminar at Landmark Education. WRitten a radical meditation for my Circle sisters, #1 installment to my book. Had a creative conversation with my husband about moving forward as a family. Booked a babysitter to go out 2 nights in a row!
Yes, I am ready for my next, even as my son is ready for his. Life is a beautiful path, a joyous and energetic journey.
To the Women
To the memory of between 3-5,000,000 women who were killed during the 300 years of the Spanish Inquisition for walking in nature alone, collecting medicinal plants for healing, or showing a love for animals, all of which were grounds for accusation of witchcraft and summary execution. May their wisdom permeate our beings.
But you can suppress it, and like water, like the feminine, like emotion, it will rise up again, appear, make itself known, seep through, humanifest, womanifest, find its level, and suddenly what was only hinted at, longed for , deeply hidden, becomes splendid and on display, in the midst of a streaming white light dripping with blood of menses, of murder, of childbirth, of ripped hymens, of bleeding hearts, of ecstasy lost and wisdom comes pouring forth again as women reuse and refind their voices, their byways and scarcely trodden highways, their footpaths, their natures, their longings, their strongings, their weakness, their meekness, their pouring forth into abundance, gratitude and heat, their surrender of pain and rebirth into the privilege of speaking, laughing, storytelling, moaning, giggling. Celebrating, ululating, until the secret pathways and shrotas and incense trails and lacy fingers on the backs and behind and gaping pussyholes become mouths and voices, all of them ululating in the ancient cries of woman’s voice.
Woman’s voice. Women’s voices raised in singing, crying, lullabying, joking, laughing, bubbling, giggling, whispering, praising, raising, phrasing, all good, all loving, all flowing in the ceremonial space that is woman. She is crafted for ceremony, naturally spiritual, connected, needing no form. We are the form. Built for loving, being loved; cradling, being cradled: there is no life without woman. We are life. We are drive. We are power. We are desire.
Celebrate yourself. Wake up to the music that is you.
Lift your head to whiff the smouldering incense that you are.
Shield your eyes as your gaze is brightened by the radiant white light of your being.
Feel the textures of silk and saliva, velvet and blood, satin and hair that drapes and adorns the fiber you are made of.
Taste the salty you, the sweet you, now the pungent and acrid you; the smoky burning paradise of you, the pickled you, the honeyed you, the candied you, the peppermint and rose hips of you.
You are the embodiment of all of life.
You are a celebration.
Your are the feast and the feasting, the dinner and the diner, the sup and the superb, the breakfast and the break slow, the snack and the morsel, the taste and the treat, a neverending changing and delicious banquet of woman.
Celebrate! Allow the bells to ring, the drums to beat. Entice the hips to move and the pubic bone to find its own rhythm. Allow the lovers to emerge into the light. Hide yourself no more. Be free. Warm your wings in the sunlight. You are nascent. You are alive Your many voices poised to shout as one, in birth:
But you can suppress it, and like water, like the feminine, like emotion, it will rise up again, appear, make itself known, seep through, humanifest, womanifest, find its level, and suddenly what was only hinted at, longed for , deeply hidden, becomes splendid and on display, in the midst of a streaming white light dripping with blood of menses, of murder, of childbirth, of ripped hymens, of bleeding hearts, of ecstasy lost and wisdom comes pouring forth again as women reuse and refind their voices, their byways and scarcely trodden highways, their footpaths, their natures, their longings, their strongings, their weakness, their meekness, their pouring forth into abundance, gratitude and heat, their surrender of pain and rebirth into the privilege of speaking, laughing, storytelling, moaning, giggling. Celebrating, ululating, until the secret pathways and shrotas and incense trails and lacy fingers on the backs and behind and gaping pussyholes become mouths and voices, all of them ululating in the ancient cries of woman’s voice.
Woman’s voice. Women’s voices raised in singing, crying, lullabying, joking, laughing, bubbling, giggling, whispering, praising, raising, phrasing, all good, all loving, all flowing in the ceremonial space that is woman. She is crafted for ceremony, naturally spiritual, connected, needing no form. We are the form. Built for loving, being loved; cradling, being cradled: there is no life without woman. We are life. We are drive. We are power. We are desire.
Celebrate yourself. Wake up to the music that is you.
Lift your head to whiff the smouldering incense that you are.
Shield your eyes as your gaze is brightened by the radiant white light of your being.
Feel the textures of silk and saliva, velvet and blood, satin and hair that drapes and adorns the fiber you are made of.
Taste the salty you, the sweet you, now the pungent and acrid you; the smoky burning paradise of you, the pickled you, the honeyed you, the candied you, the peppermint and rose hips of you.
You are the embodiment of all of life.
You are a celebration.
Your are the feast and the feasting, the dinner and the diner, the sup and the superb, the breakfast and the break slow, the snack and the morsel, the taste and the treat, a neverending changing and delicious banquet of woman.
Celebrate! Allow the bells to ring, the drums to beat. Entice the hips to move and the pubic bone to find its own rhythm. Allow the lovers to emerge into the light. Hide yourself no more. Be free. Warm your wings in the sunlight. You are nascent. You are alive Your many voices poised to shout as one, in birth:
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
